Dodo Birds and Purple Iguanas

person holding up a jaw bone with teeth remains of an animal
Photo by Maël BALLAND on

It’s Thursday! Excited at the prospects, I’m sitting over here patiently awaiting all the goodness that Thursday tends to bring and working on submissions. I wanted to extend one final push right before the New Year so when I go on vacation at the first of the month, my desk is clear and I’m just awaiting some happy news while writing away from my beach front condo. In the process of my marathon submitting the past few days, I stumbled across some submissions guidelines that I have now read several times and have come to the determination that they are either a scare tactic or a means of weeding without actually have to do the weeding. I’m wondering at this point how anyone crosses the threshold into their golden kingdom and how it is they have any books on the shelves at all at this rate.

This particular press’s guidelines read something akin to this:

Film yourself sacrificing the first kid goat born to a purple iguana by the light of the third full moon of the thirteenth month but only if it falls on the fifth Tuesday. Prick your pinky finger of your left hand and write a twenty-five-page thesis on your main character’s internal conflicts with the blood and dust with the ground wing bone of a Dodo bird. Tell us the middle names of all your seventh cousins twice removed. Put everything in a zip file along with your full manuscript, a ten-page bio, a 659-word pitch, your senior photo, and $7.47 in two-dollar bills and six-pence coins and attach it to an email with your query in the subject line and nothing in the body…

My only question for y’all this morning is this…does anyone have a spare wing bone of a Dodo bird laying around?

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